i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
50% drunk capacity currently
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
