your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
