there was a trapeze. enough said
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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