This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
