walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
