I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
