Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
