i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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