i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
