If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
