well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
