just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize