There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
