I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nutella sex= disaster
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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