So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
