if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
