What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They have beer where we have blood.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
