he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
