So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
