It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
