he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
