if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Michael Bay diarrhea
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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