The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I want her autograph on my taint
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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