I faked an abortion last night.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
