Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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