mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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