Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
