My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
