I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
