I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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