my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
