I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up under a house in Key West
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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