if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The power of my boobs compel you
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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