Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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