saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
