NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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