I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
