I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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