WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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