"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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