Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
