I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
