3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
