Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
