hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
