weddingsv make me drug and hornr
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
