Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
