It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
