my vag is so smooth its legendary
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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