he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
